Initiating Intimacy: Why your beau might confess his love this Valentine’s Day

"In love there are two things – bodies and words."

– Joyce Carol Oates

By Dr Danielle Wagstaff

My husband and I have an ongoing argument (a very serious one, of course). We both swear the other said ‘I love you’ first. And apparently, after 12 years, neither of us wants to budge. While it’s all in good jest, those three little words can carry the weight of the world behind them, so saying them first can be a risky move.

Valentine’s Day will often raise our argument again. What better day to talk about love than on the very day dedicated to love, romance, and affection?

Via humble beginnings, by the 18^th Century Valentine’s Day had evolved into an occasion where couples could declare their love by ‘valentines’ or greeting cards. Today, it represents a multi-billion dollar industry, where couples spend upwards of $200 on average on their significant others, and restaurants and hotels see one of their biggest business days of the year. Why does the day of love capture us so?

Across cultures, romantic love and passion are universally understood, and evidence shows that romantic love is associated with positive outcomes in long-term relationships. However, individuals differ in their disposition towards romantic love.

When thinking of heterosexual relationships, the stereotype that women are more romantic, perhaps even more clingy than men, has deep roots and is perpetuated by literature, media, and social expectations.

The resulting belief that women are likely to say “I love you” first is pervasive. Women are, after all, more emotionally expressive in relationships. How many anecdotes have you heard of the emotionally unavailable man who is afraid of commitment, or a man who is slow to process his emotions? But do our beliefs reflect romantic reality? It seems there is more to this love story.

In 2011, a study by Ackerman and colleagues explored this question, asking both current and former romantic partners in the US who they believe says “I love you” first in a relationship and who actually said “I love you” first.

While the majority of people believed women will make the utterance first, it was actually men who were more likely to make a first confession.

Why? Research around sex differences in romantic relationship initiation and development offers some insight, and is often based on some key evolutionary theories, including the parental investment theory. Because of both biological (e.g. pregnancy and birth) and societal factors (e.g. expected gender roles), women typically invest more heavily in children than men, which means it’s more important for them to be choosy, or selective, when choosing a partner because the investment risks are higher.

According to this, then, women should set a higher threshold than men in committing and avoid confessing their love first.

So, American men say “I love you” first, but is this true in other countries? In a more recent study conducted by an international team of researchers, including those from Federation University, we explored this very question. Across seven countries in both Europe and South America, as well as Australia, we explored the male confession bias. In 6 of the 7 countries – yes in Australia too – men confessed to saying “I love you” first.

This was even more likely when a country has more women than men but was not affected by a person’s attachment style – whether they are comfortable and secure in relationships, or anxious and avoidant.

Findings like these, while fun, are important for our understanding of human behaviour. They often tell us that what we believe to be true, or what might be considered common sense, isn’t always so. In this case, the idea that women are more emotional, or might rush into love, just doesn’t hold water, even when testing over 3,000 people across seven countries.

So who, do you wonder, actually said “I love you” first? Science says it was my husband, of course. And I’ve got the data to prove it.

Dr Danielle Wagstaff is a Psychology Senior Lecturer

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